Valentine’s Day

The tradition of celebrating Valentine’s Day started back in Rome in 491 AD, when Mad Emperor Claudius II (the son of Mad Emperor Claudius I) banned his soldiers from getting married because he believed that, as married men, his soldiers would rather stay at home with their wives rather than fight a war.

“Make war not love,” was basically his favorite motto. He also believed that, due to the lack of deodorant those days, a wedding ceremony that gathered more than 20 guests would produce body odor horrible enough to wipe out the entire ozone layer.

However, there was one priest who did not agree with the rule made by the mad emperor. This priest’s name was Valentine, who believed that lovers should not be separated and who was brave enough to defy the emperor’s orders … and who was also beaten up so many times in his youth by high-school bullies because of his girlie name.

Valentine believed that men and women should not be forbidden to share their love, even by the emperor’s order. To stand up for his beliefs, he secretly married many young couples in his house (Valentine’s 24-hour Wedding Chapel; Visa and MasterCard accepted). However, the mad emperor eventually found out Valentine’s secret and he arrested Valentine. Later he ordered that Valentine be sentenced to death by electrocution. Angered by his decision, many priests and Romans protested to the emperor. “You can not electrocute him!” they shouted with compassion, “We do not have electricity yet. This is the third century!” But the emperor still wanted Valentine’s dead, by any means.

Meanwhile, Valentine fell in love with the mad emperor’s daughter (the mad princess Claudius III: The Return of the Jedi). Before he was beheaded, he left a final note for her, and signed it “Your Valentine”, the phrase that has lasted through the centuries, even for those whose name is not Valentine. Valentine was beheaded on Feb. 14.

Many people admired Valentine’s sacrifice for true love and were so impressed by his courage to stand up to his ruler that they named him a saint. And since then, Feb. 14 has been celebrated as Valentine’s Day, the day when people are reminded about the great power of love, and about one man’s execution.

Today, there are many traditions that people observe on Valentine’s Day. In the third century, the most significant tradition was for single girls to place their names in a bottle, and they would then date any guy who randomly picked up the bottle with their name in it. It was like a lottery for love. However, today’s people are not so blatant or primitive in their traditions anymore, because, compared to ancestors from that historic age, today’s people are idiots.

Instead, today’s people observe many other traditions that require more money and more effort. The most popular tradition is for a guy to send flowers or a gift to someone they secretly love, and write on the card: “Will you be my Valentine?” to which the girl replies with either, “Ha, ha, hehehe,” or “You’re already married, you jerk!”

Having learned from his mistake, the regular guy then comes up with another tradition, which is to anonymously send a flower to someone he adores, then sign the card with, “From your secret Valentine”. By doing that, the guy can build tension in the girl’s mind, so that later, when they tell the girl that they are the one who sent the flower, the girl will feel so surprised and, with the greatest gratitude, replies with either, “Ha, ha, hehehe,” or “You’re already married, you jerk!”

Many people also celebrate the day of love by holding Valentine’s Day events. There are Valentine’s Day parties, Valentine’s Day dinners, Valentine’s Day tour packages and the one activity that many people think is the heart of the whole celebration, the Valentine’s Day’s Sale. Just remember that no matter what kind of event you choose, that day always has the same core ingredients: love, gifts, pink, hearts, gifts, couples, gifts, love songs and gifts.

In the end, Valentine’s Day is the day when couples celebrate their love for one another and the single guy tries his best to impress his dream girl. Just try your best to impress your love.

And if you fail, don’t worry, because, unlike parties in the third century, today’s Valentine’s Day parties always have beer.